When I Don't Know What to Do: 2nd Chronicles 2:12

Several months ago I came across a verse on a blog that I follow, that I had never seen before.  The author of the blog titled the verse "A Practical Prayer for Many Situations That I Find Myself In".

The verse is 2nd Chronicles 2:12.  You'll want to look it up to read the entire verse, but the part that stands out is the cry "O our God.....we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you."

How many times do I find myself in that exact same spot, where I am at a complete and utter loss as to what to do?  Sadly, so often when I reach that point, that bewildering place, I do not pray these words here.  No, instead I try to reason it out, I try to think it through, I try on my own to develop a plan.  Shelly always has a plan.  If I just think hard enough, if I just try long enough, if I can just do this or do that, I'll figure out what is next.

What must God think in those moments that I deliberately refuse to put my eyes on Him?

The last several months, if I were to be completely honest, place me right there:  right on the edge, the precipice of knowing not what to do.  Life is beyond me, all control of my life-what I have known life to be-has been wrested out of my hands, similarly to Job.  And yet in my stubbornness and pride, I still find it difficult to turn to my God and say the words in John 6:68:  "Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life."  Or, as 2nd Chronicles 2:20 expresses it----I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you God.  Help me.  Show me.

Tonight one of the songs being sung at worship is Tommy Walker's "When I Don't Know What to Do". I remember listening to that song over and over and over again in the days directly after my life as I knew it collapsed.  I was fortunate enough to be in Hawaii at the time, and I would walk for hours, listening to this song over and over and over again on my Ipod, studying the sky, the ocean, because I didn't know what to do.

But I've gotten away from coming honestly before my God and pleading these words to him:

When I don't know what to do, I'll raise my hands
When I don't know what to say, I'll speak your praise
When I don't know where to go, I'll run----not walk----to your throne.

O, even now, even tonight, I don't know what to do, but to try to place my eyes on my God.

When I Don’t Know What To Do

By Tommy Walker

Lord I surrender all 

To Your strong and faithful hand 

In everything I will give thanks to You 

I'll just trust Your perfect plan

Chorus

When I don't know what to do

I'll lift my hands

When I don't know what to say

I'll speak Your praise

When I don't know where to go

I'll run to Your throne

When I don't know what to think

I'll stand on Your truth 

When I don't know what to do

Lord I surrender all 

Though I'll never understand 

All the mysteries around me 

I'll just trust your perfect plan

Bridge

As I bow my knee 

Send Your perfect peace 

Send Your perfect peace Lord

As I lift my hands 

Let Your healing come 

Let Your healing come to me

Ending Vamp

Lord I love You 

Lord I trust You 

Lord I lift my hands to you

Neglect.....

It's been quite awhile since I've turned to my blog in order to sort out my thoughts on any subject.


I'm not sure why, but I've entered a realm where I am tired of thinking.  My mind is not sharp, it is quite dull.  But I'll post a story here from recent weeks:


I have been receiving several documents in the mail as of late, in preparation for an upcoming court hearing.  I'm being sued by a lawyer for the legal fees incurred by my husband.  Since he is incarcerated (I think that is the first time I've shared that on this blog) and will remain there for another 13 years or so, his guardian ad litem (court appointed attorney in the civil case, not his criminal case) is seeking payment of the legal fees.  My lawyer is pretty confident that the judge will rule that the state will pay the fees as opposed to me paying them.


All that to say, as a result, my mailbox has been receiving a renewed onslaught of legal documents.


The latest was a notification from my lawyer to the other lawyer, acknowledging the date set for the hearing.  Pretty standard stuff, except for this time the wording caught my eye:


"And the defendant will ever pray, etc"


That was the closing line of this newest document.  The defendant will ever pray.  Now, I understand that this is legal terminology, that history has dictated in the formal respect driven world of law.  But those words made me pause and think:


Defendant refers to "the party against which an action is brought", acccording to the American Heritage Dictionary.  An action has been brought against me.  It reminds me of Psalms, so many of them, where the author of the Psalms pleas with God to protect him from those who would bring an action against the author.  I am a defendant.  But not just in this civil case, I am a defendant in this world.  This is not home, this existence on earth.  How I long for home.


"And the defendant will ever pray, etc."
Legal jargon yes.  However, it caused me to examine my mind and soul and to reconsider prayer, real prayer.  This sentence does not say that I might pray.  It does not say that I should pray.  It says that I, the defendant, will EVER pray.  Difficult English to understand, maybe.  But I take it to mean that the defendant will continually pray.  What other choice is there?  There is none.  Unceasing prayer.  1 Thessalonians 5:17.


Do I continually pray?  No, far from it.  Do I need to be continually praying--O yes, because where else do I have to go?  What other options lead to sanity, to peace, to direction, except through prayer, the catalyst for relationship to God.  It's the stuff John 6:68 is made of--To whom shall I go except to Jesus?  Because He has the words of eternal life.  I do not.  I do not.


I mostly am writing this story, so as to preach it to myself.  Tonight I do not feel well.  Tomorrow is another long day away from my kids, working all day.  I, the defendant, need to ever pray, etc.  And that etc.?  My personal et cetera must incorporate scripture work, must incorporate quiet time alone to pray, to write, to think, to study, and to pray again.  I have neglected these things as of late, out of fatigue.  But they must take priority, if this defendant, by the grace of God, is going to survive.

Serious Saturday--A Praying Life by Paul Miller

I recently started reading Miller's "A Praying Life".  I had been warned that it would mess with me, push me around a bit.  The warning is substantiated.  I can only read the book in small sections at a time.  The author forces the reader to look to a very personal God, a personal Jesus, as opposed to the unreal manifestations we create God to be--big, standoffish, much too important to deal with my broken heart.
Instead, Miller shows us a completely different picture of God and of Jesus.  Here are some quotes that strike hard at the core of my being:

"That's why He came--there aren't supposed to be mute children, abandoned wives or thoughtless bosses."

"Jesus is, without question, the most dependent human being who ever lived.  Because He can't do life on his own, he prays.  And he prays.  And he prays.

"Mature Christians are keenly aware that they can't raise their kids.  It's  no-brainer.  Even if they were perfect parents, they still can't get inside their kids hearts.

Paul tells us "We don not know what to pray for as we ought, ut the 'spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. (Romans 8:26)

/Anxiety is unable to relax in the face of chaos  continuous prayer clings to the Father in the face of chao.

Written Prayers

Thanks to Tim Challies blog post today, I was introduced to Scotty Smith's blog Heavenward, hosted by The Gospel Coalition.  Scotty's entire blog is devoted to written prayers.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say to God.  I know that there are things I must express to Him, and yet I struggle to do so.  I, like Tim Challies, write out my prayers as often as I can.  This helps me to stay focused, to slow down my mind enough so as to concentrate on the words.  It also means I can look back over my prayers on occasion, and reflect on what God may or may not be doing.

I look forward to exploring Scotty's blog further.

Book Review: Worship Matters by Bob Kauflin

I started reading Kauflin's book, with the expectation that what I was about to read, would be geared mostly toward Worship Pastor's--those minister's whose calling and responsibilities encompass the music/drama/worship service details of a church body.  I was wrong.  While obviously that audience is the primary target, I found the material to be hugely engaging, theologically sound, and hugely educational for a person such as myself, a lay member involved in the music/worship ministry of our church.  Kauflin seems to cover all details, big and small, that make up a sound worship ministry.  He truly gives credence to his title "Worship Matters."  It matters because it is commanded.  It matters because it is Biblical.  It matters because God delights in it.  We must be professional in our attention to details, while open to flexibility and sensitive to what is happening in the moment.  We must examine our hearts, our motives, our plans to make sure they are Christ centered, to make sure they are scriptural centered.

Kauflin has written an easy to read, thought provoking treatise on worship, out of his own personal experiences and wealth of knowledge.  I am grateful for his willingness to share his thoughts and by doing so, bolster a continuing dialogue in our churches to emphasize that worship is not just the music on a Sunday morning, nor is it a battle between contemporary verses traditional styles of worship.  Rather, it is the all encompassing meeting of the church, to worship God through music, prayer, tithes, scripture, Biblical preaching and responsiveness to God.  It is all worship, we would do well to remember that more often, as Kauflin urges his readers to do just that.

A Practical Prayer for Many Situations I Find Myself In

A Practical Prayer for Many Situations I Find Myself In

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